It's no secret that I have struggled with joy and happiness throughout my life. It's hard to explain why exactly. I am richly blessed and more often than not my prayers have been answered. It took me a long time to realize that some of God's best blessings are those of unanswered prayers. Throughout high school, my main focus was on basketball. I wasn't the smartest nor did I really apply myself in academics, and I honestly didn't care to. I knew I would get a basketball scholarship some where or at least I hoped I would. I had my best friends by my side who we called ourselves then "The Fab Four". We were inseparable throughout high school and a couple of those friendships have stuck to this day. I had my fair share of boyfriends, there's no denying that. My parents had always taken us to church and my brother and I knew how we were supposed to live and how we were supposed to act as Christians. Shamefully, I didn't always do what I was supposed to. I have mounds of regret and fear that my decisions I made as a teenager and young adult will keep me from making it to heaven. I know that God forgives us for so many things and He loves us no matter what. It's my own self pity, embarrassment, and disgust that I feel that keeps me from forgiving myself. I struggle with so many demons on a daily basis. When I was younger I had seasons of my life where I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care what was right or wrong, I didn't care about the people I hurt along the way, and I tried to keep God out of my mind because I knew I was doing wrong. It's awful, I know.
When I received my basketball scholarship to Arkansas State I was SO happy that my lifelong dream had come true. I couldn't wait to start my career on the next level and I had so many big dreams for myself. Obviously I was in the clouds because college basketball was not anything like I had expected it to be. We played on Sundays and practiced late every day and I maybe got to go to church 2-3 times that entire year. My favorite movie is Love and Basketball. I watched that movie all the time during high school and I felt like it gave me a small snippet of what college ball might be like. Well, it had it pretty much perfect. When I stepped foot into the gym for the first time as a college player, I realized real quick that I was the low man on the totem pole. I was the smallest, the weakest, the slowest. I was way out of my league at the D1 level. Or at least it really felt like I was. My body went through major changes that year. I gained about 25 lbs. of solid muscle and looked like a body builder by Christmas. I felt like I wasn't in control of my body because it was so different. I didn't play much that year. I really didn't play at all unless we needed a quick 3. I knew my role as a college player and I tried to embrace it. I just wasn't what my coach expected me to be. It was one of the most difficult years of my life. I got a huge reality check. My family would travel the 3+ hours to our games and I wouldn't even get off the bench. It was so embarrassing and it killed me. I remember one night after a game, I couldn't take it anymore and I just didn't understand why I was being treated the way that I was. My dad and I are not emotional people and he had been one pushing me everyday in high school, making me better (I despised him for it at the time, but am so thankful for it now.) When I came out of the locker room and walked straight into his arms and just started crying. When that year ended I realized that maybe D1 just wasn't for me and I missed God. I missed going to church. Then God answered another prayer and gave me an opportunity to transfer with a full scholarship to Harding. A Church of Christ affiliated college. I knew that I had to take it. I needed a good Christian environment with Christian team mates.
When I got to Harding, the track part of basketball was still very tough for me. I hated it, I was terrible at it. I would literally have panic attacks before having to go out there. I just wasn't good at it because I was never taught how to do it before college. I started hand played a lot as a Lady Bison. I had a great relationship with my coaches and I was finally happy again playing the game I loved. Then, I met Bradley. Obviously, he's African American. Which was a huge change for me and completely out of the ordinary. I was so hesitant at first mainly because of my family and where I grew up. But the more and more we talked and got to know each other, I knew this man was good for me. He was what I needed in my life. The missing piece that I never felt had been filled. I was legitimately happy. Well, when my coaches found out about it I was called into the office for a "talk". I was told that I was not allowed to date him or have a boyfriend for that matter because I needed to be focused on ball. I wouldn't be as pretty, I wouldn't ever get another white boyfriend, and I would be looked at differently.After I didn't listen to them and stayed with him, they didn't like it. My playing time went down, they looked for any and every reason to yell at me, I was treated differently and I lost my starting spot. Not only was my coaches against my decision to date him, some of my family members were also. I heard very hurtful things being said about me and I was treated as if they didn't even know me. I was shunned at every public event we were both at and talked about horribly to other family members. I fell in love with him quickly, he's just that amazing and I wasn't going to leave him because of how they treated me over it. When basketball season was over, the track started back up. Our first day out on the track I passed out (again), only this time it was different. I was out for almost 10 minutes and was difficult to arouse. My team mates weren't allowed to stop running and check on me. They were told by our coaches that "I was fine, I was just faking it." That episode landed me in an ambulance and in the ER. The doctors weren't sure what had happened or what had caused the fainting.
That next day, my coaches gave me a week to go to whatever doctor needed to to figure out what was going on.Obviously it took a lot longer than that. It took until June before they figured it out. I had to go to an electrophysiologist in order to get it figured out. Basically, my blood pressure and heart rate would drop when I worked out hard. The opposite effect of what is supposed to happen. That being said, my doctor didn't feel comfortable releasing me to play ball anymore. When I told my coaches they were everything but remorseful. They had already given my scholarship away to another player before I ever found anything out. I was heart broke and so confused. The summer I found out that my basketball career was over I was not in a good place. I was depressed and felt like I had lost the only thing that made me feel worthy of myself. I spent that whole summer trying to come up with money so I could still attend Harding. Based on NCAA rules, my coaches were supposed to honor my scholarship. Of course they didn't do that. My life was so stressful during that time.
I remember getting back to school that August and not having a clue what to do with myself. I had all this free time on my hands that I had never had before.I didn't have to worry about getting in the gym, practice, or games. I was a regular college student. The only thing I had to do was go to class and study. So that's what I did. At that point I had already chosen my major and knew that I had to get a Master's degree. My first two years of college my grades were only mediocre. When basketball was taken away I used all my time that I previously used on basketball on my school work. I ended up making the Dean's list and having a 4.0 that year. Blessing in disguise? Maybe? I was proud of myself for my hard work in the classroom, but I still had a hard time on the nights that Bradley played, Midnight Madness, or anything else to do with basketball. I didn't know how to live without it. It was like my identity had been stolen away from me. I went through phases of deep depression throughout that year and if Bradley hadn't have been by my side I don't know where I would've ended up.
I made it through undergrad only to encounter yet another bump in the road. I didn't get into grad school my first time applying. Once again I felt like I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I knew I had to do something that year I had to sit out that made me marketable and made my resume look good. I ended up landing a job as a Behavior Tech and Easter Seals working with children with special needs and many of them had challenging behaviors. I learned so much that year, way more about being an actual therapist than I ever could have learned from a book. I applied again that following year only to be rejected again. At that point I had feelings of deep despair and worthlessness. Bradley and I had a really rocky year that year. He was still in school, playing ball, and at a totally different place in his life. I was out, had a job, and ready to get married. He wasn't. We had had rough patches here and there but nothing like this. This time it was actually over. I was reckless when I wasn't with him. Doing things and going places I normally would never do or go. I just didn't care.
Then out of no where someone text me to say they had left me a voicemail and had never heard back from me. Then that made me think hmm I haven't gotten any voicemails in quite a while. When I went to check it, I found out my voicemail notifications had been turned off on my phone and I had dozens of voicemails just sitting in my mailbox. I checked them one by one and when I got to in particular my heart leaped with joy. It was from Harding's CSD department. It was the Dean of the grad program calling me to apologize for a mix up in paperwork and I had actually been accepted into the program. I called him back to confirm and I immediately accepted the spot. I couldn't believe it. There God was again. He knew that I was not living my life on the right path and that I needed a nudge back in the right direction. Bradley and I ended up getting back together, I started in the grad program and we ended up getting engaged that December.
I have had so many good and bad things happen in my life, but God was ALWAYS there. During the good and the bad. I believe that he sent me through those phases of difficulty just so I could depend on Him the way that I should have been all along. He is so merciful and loving. I put basketball in front Him, I know I did and I firmly believe that it's the reason why I couldn't continue playing. I was straying from Him more and more and the devil was getting to me and He showed up again to save me. I was accepted into the grad program and married the most wonderful man that was created perfectly for me and now for our baby girl. He pushes me daily in ways that no one else ever could. He's my soul mate.
Now that I'm in this season of being a mama, I still have those doubts and fears. Fears that I'm failing her, fears that I'm failing him, fears that he might want someone who looks better, fears that I'm not a good mama or wife. It is so easy to choose fear, negativity, doubt, despair, depression. The devil lurks in all those things. I don't want the devil, I want God. I want joy and happiness not fear and doubt. That is why I have to physically make myself choose joy. To choose happiness.
-Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
-When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. Psalms 94:19
-That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:10
-Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Psalm 98:4
