I've blogged about this before, but for the past couple of weeks I have been really upset and emotional about having to work. I don't know if it's because Liv is starting to do more and I feel like I miss more than I see or if I'm working more hours and days than at my previous job. All I know is that I have been feeling major guilt over having to work and I hate it. When I switched jobs back in April it was because we were moving closer to Bradley's job because he got promoted to head coach. I was so proud of him for that but I was really sad over having to leave my job. I knew it was great and they offered therapists amazing perks for working there. I went from working 3 fairly easy days a week to working 3 very strenuous days a week. About two weeks ago I realized that my schedule was just too intense and I was way too exhausted to keep doing it. So I spread my schedule out into a half a day on Thursdays. Before Liv was born I worked 4 days and it was wonderful. Then after she was born I knew I wanted to drop my package to 3 days a week. I found the perfect balance in that. 3 days at work, 4 days at home with her.
When deciding to switch jobs, the main thing was that we want her to start daycare in August after she turns one. She has never really been around other babies this whole year and I think it's time for some good social interaction. My previous job had a daycare for employees kids, but it was not in the same building as me and I felt like I wanted better for her. That was my number one request in looking for a job closer to where we were moving to. I worked at Easter Seals about 4 years ago when I had to take a year off between undergrad and grad school. I loved my job as a Behavior Tech at CRC. I loved CRC so much and my ultimate professional dream has always been to go back there as a Speech Therapist. Easter Seals had an opening back in April, but it was at their Preschool and Outpatient building. It wasn't CRC, but it was the building with the preschool and Liv got a spot in the baby room in August. In the beginning I felt like it was going to be perfect. My schedule was crazy ridiculous and I had to work until 5 everyday and see a lot more kids. I realize that there are many mama's that do not have an option to work less and they have to work 5 days a week with their babies going across town to daycare. I realize that I am blessed with getting what I actually wanted for Liv and I need to suck it up.
It's so hard to though. Especially because it's summer time and Bradley is getting to stay home with her until she starts daycare. I chose to be a therapist so I could have flexibility when I had babies. I just want to feel like that again. We are currently looking at our options for my schedule and package, but I"m not sure if anything will change unless our therapy department makes some changes. I am very unhappy, negative, emotional, and irritable over it all right now. I'm praying that I can make it through the summer and see how it is and how I feel when she starts daycare.
I'm constantly thinking of ways that I could make some extra money so I could stay home more and I hope I come up with something soon. Although I am NOT interested in Plexus. In fact, if one more person contacts me about trying Plexus or selling it, I am going to scream!! I have been going to the Bible a lot lately trying to get some understanding for the way I've been feeling. I honestly think God is making this weigh on my heart so much because he didn't intend for us mama's to work. He intended for us to be keepers of our homes, to raise our children to rise up and us blessed. My dream has since shifted to wanting that. To envisioning a life where Liv and I hang out together all day long (of course doing some language enrichment throughout the day) and having a healthy, well-balanced meal ready for Bradley when he walks through the door in the afternoons. Or be able to get pot-lucks ready for his basketball team before away games. But I also dream of a life to where Liv has the finer things as a child. That when she gets old enough to participate in extracurricular activities we have the money so she can do the things she wants. That we have a comfortable home that we all love coming to at the end of the day. I pray that I will one day feel that perfect balance again and feel as if I am doing the things that God has called me to do.
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