-Letters to Liv {6 Months}-

Livy Jade,

It seems so surreal that you are half a year old. Time flies by so so quickly and I don't want to waste one minute of it. It's so easy for you and I to get caught up in staying in our comfy little home on my days off. We will just sit here and read, sing, play and love one another so much. I'm such a germophobe and I try everything in my power to keep you well and healthy. As your Daddy had to remind me the other night in the emergency room that I can't control everything and keep you from everything. As much as I always want to be there to protect you and keep you safe, I know that I won't be able to. As you grow you will hate that I'm that way with you. I'm a protector, I always have been. One reason I chose to breastfeed is because it often gives babies that ability to fight off illnesses a lot easier with a strong immune system. You got your first ear infection about 3 weeks ago and I was so upset. You were SO sick and I felt so guilty even though I know that I had done everything I could to keep you well. You finished your antibiotics and seemed a lot better. Then out of no where Tuesday night you woke up in the middle of the night burning up with 104.4 fever. It scared me to death and we rushed you to the ER. You were being yourself though and was in the best little mood. You never even let on like you didn't feel well. They said that you had another bad ear infection and they gave you a stronger round of antibiotics. The days after that you were so clingy and didn't want anyone but me. All you wanted to do was lay on my chest and let me cuddle you. I absolutely hate it when you're sick. I feel so helpless. You have been so fussy this go around and I'm praying that you can kick it soon.

You have become quite the little diva. You get so upset when anyone walks out of your sight and when you don't get your way with things. You get so mad at your toys if you can't reach them or maneuver them the way you want. You have finally started sitting independently for almost 1-2 minutes without losing your balance. You are getting better everyday. You are switching toys from one hand to the other and you really enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror. You watch our mouths so closely and try to imitate our facial expressions and movements but haven't mastered that just yet. You still think peek-a-boo is the most hilarious thing ever. You are starting to look for toys that have dropped out of sight and you are beginning to understand object permanence. You love your giraffe rattle, your oball rattle, Mr. Teddy, and your teething keys the best right now. You have also started shaking objects in the past couple of days. So far you have produced consonants /m/ and /d/ during play and you have gotten those vowel sounds down, girl. When you are intrigued by something and really focused you purse your lips, almost like a little fish. It's the cutest thing. You are wearing size 3 diapers and 12 month clothes.

We started baby food two weeks ago. I tried to wait until you were exactly 6 months old but you were ready for it. You showed all of the signs that you could handle it and handle it you did, baby girl. I make your own food and it's so fun so far. I started you out on sweet potatoes and you LOVED them. We tried a banana one night and you weren't crazy about it. You HATE any kind of baby cereal. You prefer food over it for sure. Which makes me happy because I really didn't want to add it in your diet anyway as I've read so many controversial things about it. You also liked peas really well. You've tried applesauce a couple of times and you seem to tolerate it but it isn't your favorite. You are definitely preferring vegetables over fruits at this point. Butternut squash and carrots are on this weeks menu.

You are at such a fun stage right now, but we are so excited to watch you continue to grow. The weather has been awesome lately and I'm hoping Spring is right around the corner. I can't wait for warm weather full of long walks and family picnics. We love you so much!

Love,
Mama

-TORN-

In the words of Natalie Imbruglia "Illusion never changed, into something real, I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn." I'm terrified that that's where I'm at in my life. It's like I sit at home on my days off work and my mind constantly spins with wishful thinking. I've never EVER been the type that wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I just never was. I was career minded, but I definitely wanted kids. I wanted to make something of myself, be someone in my field. I had so many goals for myself career wise. When I got to college I had my mind set on being an Athletic Trainer or Physical Therapist. I was an athlete. I loved sports so obviously that would be the path that I chose for a career. I never wanted to be a coach though. My Dad still thinks it's so weird that I didn't go in to coaching. I just never wanted to and I knew that for sure.  I'm a Speech-Language Pathologist. A little background on that; when I was a freshman at ASU, I took an Intro to Communication Disorders class. I was friends with one of the volleyball players and her dad was the Dean of the department and he had recommended it to me. He said just try it out and see how you like it because I just wasn't feeling the athletic training route at that point. The class was so interesting and I had no idea what an SLP was, I had never even heard of it. One of the requirements for that class was to get 15 observation hours in the clinic watching graduate student clinicians in their therapy sessions. I'll never forget the day and the two sessions that spoke to me and I knew immediately that it was my calling. One of them was a teenage boy with Down's syndrome and the other was a stroke patient. I loved both so much and knew that those were populations I wanted to work with. To this day I still feel that strong passion to work with children with disabilities and geriatrics. God works in mysterious ways because I didn't end up choosing anything athletic. When I transferred to Harding, I had an assignment in my Multicultural class around Christmas time that I had to get a person of another race to read T'was the Night Before Christmas and I had to transcribe it the way they read it. At that point Bradley and I sort of knew each other and had talked a couple of times and my teammates were busy that night so I had to call him up to get my assignment finished. Needless to say that was the beginning of something beautiful. Okay, back to the moral of this story. 

When I was growing up my Mom couldn't stay at home with my brother and I. I guess that may be why I just never had that vision. When I got pregnant, I knew everything would be alright and I could be a working Mom because I was fortunate enough to work for a company that allowed employee's kids to attend the daycare across the street. I thought I had it all planned out. The closer my due date got the higher my anxiety got about having to put her in a daycare. Fortunately, my Mom no longer works and was able to keep her for us and I was able to take my work package down to 75% and work 3 days. It has been a life saver. Especially for my sanity. I don't have to worry about her while I'm working and I feel like I have the perfect balance of work and Mommy time. That sort of sounds selfish though because it's a Mom's job to be there 100%  and that's how I've been feeling. Selfish, because I don't have a stay at home Mommy heart. I've gone back and forth with staying home and we thought that it might actually be an option for me to. But when you have thousands of dollars of loans to pay back for that good education you got, it leaves you in a bind. Now that I know that it isn't an option for me, I'm more sad than ever. I had gotten my mind right and was totally all in to the fact that I would get to be with my baby girl all day everyday. I would get to see all the new little things she would do and I wouldn't have to miss anything. Bradley keeps telling me that that's life and so many people have to put their kids in daycare. I know that but I work in child care. I know that people can't always be trusted and that's the thing, I don't trust anyone with my child. I'm so scared that the plan is when she turns 1 we'll look into her going to daycare. From a therapist perspective, I know that the older she gets the more she needs to be around other children for the social aspect. She's already so interested in other kids when she sees them. She gets so excited and is always reaching for them. She will be 6 months old on Saturday and will be old enough to go to Cradle Roll at church if we're comfortable with it. I think that will help me get ready for it slowly. Hopefully something will work out to where I will be able to work and she can attend the daycare where I work. That would be the best scenario and we all know that we don't always get what we want. So for now I'm praying my heart out that something will come up and that I will be as prepared as I can be to make this transition. Please pray with me and for us. I know it will be a shock to her system as well when she actually starts some where. I'm still going to continue to pray that something might happen to where I will be able to stay home, even though it's a long shot. 

-My Body is A Temple-

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you" -Song of Solomon 4:7

So you know that post I did a few months ago about my postpartum body? Yeah, things still haven't really changed for me. I still have negative thoughts and can really beat myself up when it comes to thinking about it. It seems to get worse during the night when Liv is fighting sleep and I get frustrated. Yes, I know I'm probably considered a bad Mom because I let frustration get to me sometimes and she's only 5 months old. It's actually been really bad lately and probably because I've been extra exhausted due to her being sick. I bought 21 Day Fix with some Christmas money and I had been so excited to try it. I just knew that I would drop the inches and the flab super fast while doing it because that's how my body usually reacts to workouts. I tried doing the meal plan at the highest calorie chart, but my milk supply decreased a lot with that. I wasn't getting enough calories and I was not about to sacrifice my milk for my precious babe for my body image. I was noticing a difference in my muscle tone and my stomach seemed a little smaller. I was so excited and couldn't wait until I finished the 21 days to measure myself again. Well, day 21 came and I had only lost a total of 1/2 inch. Are you kidding me? I've been working my butt off and I only lose 1/2 inch. I was so discouraged even though I knew I was looking a little different, I still have major flab and loose skin. Granted it usually takes multiple rounds of the program to see major results but I was already vulnerable when it came to my body. I got depressed again and that's when the negative thoughts started creeping back up. I just don't understand. I don't understand how so many women get a better body after baby, how they lose the flab so fast, how they don't get stretch marks. I just don't understand why some do and some don't. I've been skinny my whole life and I never worried about getting my body back after babies because I thought I was naturally blessed. WRONG! I pray about it, I try to ward off those thoughts that the devil creates in my head. It's hard.

I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day and saw this quote:

Your Body is A Temple

It caught my attention so I clicked on the link. It was exactly what I needed at that point. I needed some reassurance in my body. I needed to hear that God still loved it and loved me. He created me to be a woman and to bear children. He gave me that blessing. He gave me the ability to carry a healthy child without complications. I should be so thankful for that and I am. It's the after math that I've had such a problem with. I do not regret getting pregnant or having a baby. I love my beautiful girl so much and I would never trade her for a perfect body. That's just the thing, in God's eyes my body is perfect. He doesn't care about the flab or the stretch marks. He created it, He created me, He created Liv. After I read this post, I found a hashtag on Instagram a few nights later called #latenightnursingfeed that was created for nursing Mama's struggling with their body images after baby. You were to comment with one thing you disliked about your postpartum body and 2 things you loved about it. To my surprise I was not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Every Mama on there had the same exact feelings and thoughts that I have. I just knew other Mama's loved their bodies and was having an easier time getting their bodies back. That wasn't the case. They all had different things about their own bodies that they hated and that they loved. That made me think about the things that I actually loved about my body. To be honest, it was really hard to come up with two things. Even one thing, but I knew that I had to stop being so negative and mean to myself. So I chose my two things 1) My body has always produced a good milk supply to feed Liv without supplementing and she is thriving 2) my curves. Bradley loves my postpartum body. He hated me being so skinny before and he loves it even more now. Those two things have really helped me lately. I'm trying my best to keep positive thoughts and to get rid of the negative ones. I'm also trying to improve my prayer life and to give it all to God. My body was bought at an expensive price. God does not want us to be sad or have troublesome hearts. I need to get rid of the negativity and choose to be joyful. I want Liv to see me happy, to see me patient, to see me love myself, and to see her Daddy and I love one another. Even though she doesn't understand right now, she can sense when I'm happy and when I'm not. I'm going to choose joy, positivity, and always keep the vision of Jesus paying the price for me in my heart and mind when those thoughts creep up.

 1 Cor. 6:19-20: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

-A Week for the Books-

This has been the most exhausting week we have had since bringing Liv home from the hospital. Baby girl came down with cold like symptoms last Thursday. Typical stuffy nose and a little cough. She's 5 months old so she's at the age where her structures in her throat are beginning to grow longer to accommodate for more advanced eating purposes. Her larynx is becoming more adult like so occasional coughing and grunting is typical as she gets used to her new abilities. However; as the days went on she developed a wet, raspy cough and a rattle in her chest by Saturday morning. She was still eating well and didn't really act like she didn't feel well. I had already decided to take her to the doctor on Monday because 1) She has never had anything like this 2) It's RSV and flu season. She never ran a fever higher than 99.4 though which was strange. Come Monday morning she was SO sick. Her eyes were swollen and watery, her nose was pouring, her cough sounded terrible, she was choking every time she would eat anything and she had lost her appetite, and she had this weird rash all over her little body. We immediately went to the doctor and I was terrified. The minute we got back to the room I started bawling and I just couldn't handle it. I am not a crier and it takes a lot for me to cry, but that seriously broke my heart. I couldn't handle seeing her like that and so miserable. I give major props to all the Mama's who have sick babies all time with life threatening diseases. I have so much respect for you and your strength. The doctor came in and confirmed that she had an ear infection in her right ear and RSV symptoms. Apparently they don't test for RSV anymore because they can't treat the RSV itself. It's a virus so it has to run its course but they treat the symptoms of it. Her lungs sounded clear and she didn't have labored breathing so they didn't send us to the hospital. She prescribed Amoxicillin and told us to replace milk with Pedialyte because she was so congested and it was thinner than milk. Monday through Wednesday were extremely exhausting. I'm so thankful was Mom was down here to help me. It literally took both of us tag teaming because she was so sick. I didn't sleep but maybe 3-4 hours in 3 days. I was terrified at night that she would stop breathing or get choked and I would be asleep. So I just stayed up and watched her little chest move up and down. That motherly instinct is so no joke. You have thoughts and feelings emerge that you never even knew existed, but I love it. We are now 8 days into this nasty thing and she has finally started to heal and there's a huge difference in her now than on Monday. She still has the nasty cough and occasional choking and runny nose. Hopefully we are on the mend and she will be back to normal soon.