I've dreaded writing this post, but honestly, I think it's exactly what I need right now. To just sit here with a cup of coffee and write down my thoughts and feelings about how I've been feeling since I became a mother. Now don't get me wrong it's the absolute best gift in the world, but with that great joy also comes great responsibility and in my case some postpartum depression. Writing and talking about it to others has become my only way of coping with it. It's probably more baby blues than depression since it's not so bad that I need medical help, but she's also almost 2 months old. Before I got pregnant I wanted a baby so bad. I felt like I was at that point in my life where it was time to start trying to have babies. I was 25 and pretty skinny for my height. I knew my body would change throughout pregnancy and I was okay with that, until it actually started happening. I had a few breakdowns, mainly when clothes wouldn't fit anymore but then I got over it every time we had an appointment and found out she was healthy. That's all I wanted was for her to be a healthy baby. I also never thought I would get stretch marks. I've read so many articles about stretch marks being hereditary and my grandma didn't have any and my mom only had one deep one. So I thought I would be good in that area. Nope, not the case with me. I didn't have any stretch marks until I hit week 35. Then I started noticing them around my belly button and some small ones underneath it. I carried her so low the entire time that my upper abdomen didn't really have to stretch that much, but my lower abdomen went through the ringer. Even when I went into labor at 38 weeks, 2 days I didn't have that many and the ones I did have I could be okay with because they weren't that bad. I had girls tell me the whole time that they didn't have stretch marks until after they had the baby, but again I never thought that would be me. They were totally right. After I got home and started examining my stomach, I had them everywhere, literally everywhere. The skin around my belly button looks like a sunburst tattoo in white ink. They are all over my sides too which were not there before I had her. Before pregnancy I always tried to keep my stomach looking good and fit. It was my favorite area on my body. Now, I absolutely HATE it. When I sit down I have fat rolls, my skin is flabby, and all marked up. Don't get me wrong I'm so thankful to God that I had a healthy, beautiful baby girl, but the postpartum thoughts are definitely getting the best of me right now. I know it's the devil creeping up in my mind when I have breakdowns and it is so hard to block them out.
I'm not one of those girls that think "oh, I just had a baby so I'm okay with how I look." Nope, not me at all. I expected my body to get back down to it's normal size immediately after having her. Come on now let's be realistic, that just doesn't happen. I did lose a lot of the baby weight I gained within a week of having her and the last time I weighed about a month ago I only had 9 lbs. left to lose. I know, it sounds pretty good to some people, but not in my mind. I also have a lot of friends that were pregnant the same time I was and it seems like every last one of them have gone back down to their pre-baby body. Some of them are already wearing two pieces and don't have any stretch marks. I know I don't need to compare myself to them but I do. We're the same age, same type of build, and had babies around the same size. I just don't understand. Why does my body look hideous? Why did I get stretch marks and they didn't? How do they already feel sexy again and I don't? They look so cute already and I look like a fat cow! These are all thoughts that consume my mind on a daily basis. All I want to do is wear my sweats and over sized sweaters and I hate having to get dressed in real clothes. I literally have a breakdown every time I have to get ready and go somewhere. I'm so self conscious about my body and it really doesn't matter to me if people compliment me or not. I'm my own worst enemy and I don't know how to get over it. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who doesn't care and loves me no matter what but I still have a hard time.
I wouldn't trade my baby girl for anything and I'm so proud of my body for carrying her and keeping her safe and healthy for 9 months. The negativity and hate is all in my mind and the only thing that helps is talking about it and just letting myself break down about it and cry. I've started working out again since I got released and that helps me for a few hours, but then I'm right back to my negative thoughts. My body is just so different now and rightly so, I had a child. I know a lot of women go through postpartum depression and mine is only with myself, I've had no negative thoughts about the baby, thankfully. I just pray that we can all find a way to get through this whether it be talking/writing about it or getting professional help.
Dear Lord,
I pray that you please be with all of us women battling these negative thoughts and feelings about our bodies and help those even more struggling with negative thoughts about their babies. You created our bodies to be capable of doing this amazing thing. I thank you so much for allowing me to conceive and carry a healthy baby girl for 9 months and have a smooth delivery with no complications. I pray that we can see the beauty in your creation rather than listen to the devil tell us how disgusting our body looks. Thank you for loving us and dying on the cross for our sins. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
