{Letters to Liv}-11 Months

My sweet girl,

I can't believe we've known each other for almost a whole year. You have taught me so much about myself that I never knew was there. You have changed me completely in the best way. I thank God every day for giving you to us. For entrusting us with someone so precious to Him. You are growing up in front of our eyes. You do something new every single day and we love it. You have definitely established your likes and dislikes this past month. You turn your head away if you don't like something and you are starting to get more picky with the things you eat. Things you used to love, you just don't care for anymore. You can definitely entertain yourself now and you are WALKING everywhere. It definitely didn't take you long to start walking independently. Once you figured out how your little giraffe walker worked, you went every where and that made you really brave.

I feel like I've said this the past two months, but you keep coming out of your shell. You have developed so much in the past two months it's crazy. You babble ALL the time now. I was so worried about you not talking and once you started you definitely don't want to stop. And we are perfectly fine with that (especially me). You can say "baba" and  "mama" and produce consonants /g, w, p, n, k/. You haven't said "dada" yet or anything close to it. You definitely have your favorite sounds. You started variegated babbling right before you turned 11 months. You also have 3 teeth now and are working on cutting your fourth. The only time we ever know your mouth hurts is during the night. I always know when a tooth is about to pop through because you are fussy, restless, and constantly want to nurse during the night. You absolutely love to be imitated, when we make you laugh and when you are laughed at, playing peek-a-boo, and being chased around the house.

I don't even know why we buy you toys because your favorite things to play with are definitely not toys. You love remotes, cell phones, chargers, tupper ware, tearing up paper and trying to eat it, you love to see and talk to yourself in the mirror, and you recently started symbolic play. You will use anything to make a phone and pretend to talk on it. You also have a little sassy attitude as well. When we first started telling you "no" you weren't real sure about it. Then you began to HATE it and would tell us "nuh uh" when you got in trouble. You are so strong willed and that will be good when you're older, but it's driving your daddy and I crazy right now, in a good way. You love to show us your toys and things you find. You will extend and raise your little eyebrows like look what I found. You have started playing with your little hands and clapping to make yourself fall asleep and it's just the cutest thing ever. 

You still hate your crib and we don't have a clue how to transition you out of our bed. We have tried during the day to put you in it and we even let you play for hours in your room, but you just want us right there with you when you sleep. I've read about some babies just being afraid to sleep alone and I think that's what the problem is. You get scared and you feel confined in your crib. You have never liked feeling like that even as a newborn. You didn't even like to be swaddled after the first week of your little life. You are learning to like a sippy cup. You have figured out how to hold them now but the ones that look like an open cup are a little hard for you right now. We'll keep trying though. You still don't like to get your diaper changed. Especially now that you never sit still. You wiggle all over the place when we change you.

I can't even fathom the fact that you will be starting preschool on the 15th. I have had so much anxiety over it and I honestly think I am more worried than you are. You have become so social these past couple of weeks. When you see other babies you can't get to them fast enough and you just want to hug and kiss all over them. You aren't sure how to be easy right now though. You just try to be sweet but it comes off as rough and sometimes they cry. I know you are ready to be around other babies and I think you will do just fine. At least we are blessed to be able to be in the same place while you are at school. It's getting so close. Your birthday party planning has been in full force and I can't wait to see you smash your cake.

Love,
Mama

-A Broken Creation-

Our world is broken. The world that God created is broken and it scares me to death. As Christians we are told to fear God. Proverbs 14:26 states "In the fear of the LORD [is] strong confidence: and his children shall have a place of refuge. That should make me feel safe and secure, but the reality of it is I am not perfect. I sin every single day and even though I ask for forgiveness, I always have that fear that I'm just not doing enough. I'm repenting enough, I'm not trying hard enough, I'm not learning enough, etc. The way the world is and has been for the past few years really scares me about Jesus coming back. I want to know that I am living and doing absolutely everything I can to the best of my ability in case that happens. It continues to get worse over things that were supposed to get better as time went on. Racism. Have you ever looked up the definition? Racism: prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior. How awful. I'll never understand why people are like that. My husband is black and my uncle is a State Trooper. While I can completely understand both sides to the situation, I'll never understand why there will always be the white vs. black dynamic. In my own personal opinion, there are terrible white people and black people in the world. There are always those particular people in each race that ruin it for their entire race in general. God created all of us in His image. We don't know exactly what Jesus' color of his skin was, but we know that His Father created all of us like Him. Why is it so hard to love one another? I will be honest, I never knew situations like this even existed anymore until I met my husband. I was that little naive, completely oblivious small town, white girl who didn't know anything about racism or discrimination because my parents didn't raise my brother and I like that. I never saw racist acts even growing up where I did. But once I met Bradley and people knew we were dating I saw a totally different side of people. I couldn't believe the things people said to me or how people treated me. He told me when we first started talking that we would deal with heartbreaking situations simply because he was black. I was floored when he started to explain exactly what he meant by that. I had no idea racist, prejudice people still existed. I mean come on we're in the 21st century. Over the years I have become more aware and definitely angry about it. I do not hate anyone of any race, gender, or sexual orientation. I might not agree or support some decisions but I definitely do not hate anyone for their choices. It is not our job to judge others in any way. I know people judge me because I chose to marry a black guy. I know people judge him for marrying a white girl. I know people are going to judge our daughter because she is mixed. I hate it, but that's the world we live in. People don't take the time to get to know someone, they automatically judge based on appearance. Which is what seems to be happening in these tragic events. My only question is; if a cop walked up to a vehicle, saw a white man in a sketchy car, in a bad neighborhood, would he/she automatically think they needed to protect themselves? It would depend on the cop, just like it would depend on the person getting pulled over. I hate that I have to worry about my husband every time he leaves our house because of people like this. I don't want to have to worry about my daughter when she starts school, or sports, or when she starts competing in events. I pray that we never have to explain to her that she didn't win a competition because she is half black. I hate hate hate even thinking about that. I hate that we have to raise her and our future children in a society and in a world like that. I chose my husband because I firmly believe he was created for me, and me for him. We work in strange ways that never would've worked with anyone else. I pray that my daughter never has to question her worth because of the color of her skin and I pray that my husband can live in a world where he doesn't feel judged. Our generation has to change the mindset of the population. As we raise our children we have to ingrain in them equality and love for everyone. It is our job now.

-Independence Day 2016-

Last 4th of July I was 31 weeks pregnant and we were getting ready to meet our precious little girl. This year, she was here and got to experience her very first Independence Day. Let's just say all the different types of food she got to experience for the first time was a hit. The fireworks on the other hand, not so much. When she heard the first boom she literally climbed up my grandpa's chest. She got to swim in a pool for the first time and eat watermelon. We had a fun filled 4th and it was so nice to spend time with family. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I definitely didn't want to go back to work after the long weekend.

{Letters to Liv}-10 MONTHS

Livy,

My, oh my, is your little personality coming out. You are currently ignoring me as I tell you not to pull on Daddy's computer cord. Needless to say you do not like the word "No" right now. You just ignore us or act like you didn't hear/don't know what it means, but you totally do. You are understanding more and more everyday. You probably learn a new word every day or two now. You love to learn. You'll go grab objects, bring them to us, and hold them out like you are trying to ask "what's this?" It's so cute. You love crawling in circles through the kitchen and into the living room. You love to play with water bottles and drink from them. The sippy cup drinking is not going so hot right now. You would prefer to drink from our open cups rather than you hold one and drink through a straw or nipple. You are still waking up every hour or two during the night to nurse. You are a little dare devil now that you move all around on your own. It's making me nervous in our bed now. It's about time to start trying to transition you to your crib and to only bottles and that is NOT going well at all. You are probably going to be very difficult to wean from nursing and when I try to just give you a bottle, you scream and won't take it. Then you look up at me with that puckered lip and I swear you say "Mommy." It breaks my heart in two and I cave in every time. I have hopes to wean you completely by the time you turn 1.

You are getting pickier with the foods you eat now. You definitely have your favorite things and preferences. You do not like peas or green beans. In fact you don't ever gag on anything and you had green beans for the first time again a few nights ago and gagged so bad. You are not a fan of brown rice but still love broccoli, cauliflower, fried ham, apples, and of course your black beans. You had black beans, avocado, and a whole wheat tortilla for dinner the other night and was in heaven. I need to find more meals for you now that you can eat meats. We'll see what I come up with and what you like this next month.

You finally cut your first tooth last week and you have been saying a whole lot more. I'm definitely convinced now that teething and speech production go hand in hand during development. I swear you have said "cup" and "ball" in context, but it could just be that I've literally been listening for anything. Last night you finally said "babababa" in a true babbling way. I was so so excited and of course you wouldn't let me get a good video of it. I know the rest will come soon and you might even start producing single words rather than really babbling. Which would be more than okay, too. You still haven't said "mama" or "dada" but I know it's coming because you have the /m/ and /d/ consonants. You blow raspberries all the time now and think it's so fun. If you can't figure something out you will grunt at it and it's hilarious. You started clapping your hands this past Sunday all on your and now you do it ALL the time to get a reaction out of us. You understand cause and effect now and you love all of your little ball popper toys.

You still love to be chased, tickled, sung to, played with, take a bath and you love to take Nova outside. You will sprint crawl to one of us so we can take her out. You love it. You also love to just be outside period. We went to Grandma's community gathering at her church this past Sunday afternoon and you had your first sno cone. You are definitely an observer. It took you forever to open up to everyone and come out of your shell. You are totally my child, that's just like me.

Your first birthday party planning is in full force now. We are going up to Nana and Papa's for the 4th of July this weekend and I'm excited to see you swim in their big pool and watch fireworks for the first time. We love you so much and love this stage you are in.

Love,
Mama

-Confessions of a Working Mama-

I've blogged about this before, but for the past couple of weeks I have been really upset and emotional about having to work. I don't know if it's because Liv is starting to do more and I feel like I miss more than I see or if I'm working more hours and days than at my previous job. All I know is that I have been feeling major guilt over having to work and I hate it. When I switched jobs back in April it was because we were moving closer to Bradley's job because he got promoted to head coach. I was so proud of him for that but I was really sad over having to leave my job. I knew it was great and they offered therapists amazing perks for working there. I went from working 3 fairly easy days a week to working 3 very strenuous days a week. About two weeks ago I realized that my schedule was just too intense and I was way too exhausted to keep doing it. So I spread my schedule out into a half a day on Thursdays. Before Liv was born I worked 4 days and it was wonderful. Then after she was born I knew I wanted to drop my package to 3 days a week. I found the perfect balance in that. 3 days at work, 4 days at home with her.

When deciding to switch jobs, the main thing was that we want her to start daycare in August after she turns one. She has never really been around other babies this whole year and I think it's time for some good social interaction. My previous job had a daycare for employees kids, but it was not in the same building as me and I felt like I wanted better for her. That was my number one request in looking for a job closer to where we were moving to. I worked at Easter Seals about 4 years ago when I had to take a year off between undergrad and grad school. I loved my job as a Behavior Tech at CRC. I loved CRC so much and my ultimate professional dream has always been to go back there as a Speech Therapist. Easter Seals had an opening back in April, but it was at their Preschool and Outpatient building. It wasn't CRC, but it was the building with the preschool and Liv got a spot in the baby room in August. In the beginning I felt like it was going to be perfect. My schedule was crazy ridiculous and I had to work until 5 everyday and see a lot more kids. I realize that there are many mama's that do not have an option to work less and they have to work 5 days a week with their babies going across town to daycare. I realize that I am blessed with getting what I actually wanted for Liv and I need to suck it up.

It's so hard to though. Especially because it's summer time and Bradley is getting to stay home with her until she starts daycare. I chose to be a therapist so I could have flexibility when I had babies. I just want to feel like that again. We are currently looking at our options for my schedule and package, but I"m not sure if anything will change unless our therapy department makes some changes. I am very unhappy, negative, emotional, and irritable over it all right now. I'm praying that I can make it through the summer and see how it is and how I feel when she starts daycare.

I'm constantly thinking of ways that I could make some extra money so I could stay home more and I hope I come up with something soon. Although I am NOT interested in Plexus. In fact, if one more person contacts me about trying Plexus or selling it, I am going to scream!! I have been going to the Bible a lot lately trying to get some understanding for the way I've been feeling. I honestly think God is making this weigh on my heart so much because he didn't intend for us mama's to work. He intended for us to be keepers of our homes, to raise our children to rise up and us blessed. My dream has since shifted to wanting that. To envisioning a life where Liv and I hang out together all day long (of course doing some language enrichment throughout the day) and having a healthy, well-balanced meal ready for Bradley when he walks through the door in the afternoons. Or be able to get pot-lucks ready for his basketball team before away games. But I also dream of a life to where Liv has the finer things as a child. That when she gets old enough to participate in extracurricular activities we have the money so she can do the things she wants. That we have a comfortable home that we all love coming to at the end of the day. I pray that I will one day feel that perfect balance again and feel as if I am doing the things that God has called me to do.

{Letters to Liv} -9 Months

Liv,

Where do I begin? You have taken off developmentally this month. It's crazy how fast you learn and show us new things every single day. You have been such a trooper during this extremely busy and unpredictable time for us. You have surprisingly transitioned very well through it all. At your 9 month appointment you weighed 19 lbs. 3.5oz. and were 29.5 inches long. You still don't have any teeth and you wake up in the middle of the night screaming because your little gums hurt so bad. The doctor said that you have extremely bad eczema and had to write you a prescription for a strong ointment. You will claw yourself so bad in the bends of your arms that you make your skin raw and bleed. She said that you are still perfect and super tall. 

We stayed with Uncle B for a week while we were waiting to get in our new house. You loved it. You spent the days with him and Daddy until Nana came down and you thoroughly enjoyed yourself. They ran practice and you loved spending time in the gym and watching the boys dribble and shoot. Daddy taught you how to dribble the ball (you just pat it) and you were so happy. You are already a gym rat and we love it! Uncle B has a coffee table and you learned how to pull up on it the first night we were there. You had only pulled up on the bed which was super short at the time. You attempted to cruise but were just a little too scared. Now, you cruise every where on every thing and you are a little dare devil. You think you can just take off and go and you get so upset when you can't.

Just a month ago you were barely scooting around the floor on your belly and now you are up on all 4's crawling around every where. You love to take off and be chased. You will laugh so hard when we get down in the floor and crawl after you. You are not loving your jumper as much now that you can move on your own. You definitely prefer that. The first thing you do in the mornings when you wake up is try to get down in the floor and play. You are starting to vocalize a little more now that you are moving around. You are still not babbling and you are still making me stress over it. Just in the past week though, you have started producing /b/ and /g/ sounds consistently. When I point to Nova and say "dog" you will say "guh". Sometimes when we play peek-a-boo you will say "buh". You still prefer to just smile at us when we try to get you to talk. Hopefully when your gross motor skills slow down you will start talking. That's what I keep telling myself. You are at least identifying "dog", "cat", and "ball" in books and objects. You know that I am Mama and your daddy is Daddy. You know Nova and that she's a dog. You can go get your books when asked and when you are in the mood. You will say "ma" when you are mad but that's it.

You are still sleeping with us for now. You love to lay down in our big bed now; throw your little arm around my neck, play with my hair, and snuggle your little nose into my neck. I love it so so much. I don't want to transition you to your crib but Daddy says we need to. You have been waking up a lot more at night recently and nursing every hour or two. I think it is just a comfort for your hurting gums. Now that we have a king size bed you are all over it. You will sit up and just fall forward and roll all over the place until you are tired. I always know when you are ready to sleep when you start rubbing noses and humming. You do it every time you get tired. You also love to tear any kind of paper all up. You would much rather play with things that are not your toys. You find tupper ware lids so amusing right now.

Your absolute favorite thing to do right now is eat. You are a little piglet and we love it. You just had spaghetti for the first time the other night and oh my, did you love it. I gave you plain noodles with a little butter and you threw a fit and wouldn't even touch them.So I gave you a bite of mine and you LOVED them. You dug right in and cleaned your plate. It could possibly be your new favorite. You eat black beans like they are going out of style and at this point there isn't anything you won't eat. Which is awesome. We are still trying to get you to take a sippy cup. You just aren't crazy about the weird shaped nipples. You love to attempt to drink from our straws so we just bought a sippy with a straw to see how you do. You are growing just beautifully though.

I can't believe we will have your first birthday in just 3 short months. It doesn't even seem real. I have already started planning for it. You are the apple of your Daddy and I's eye and we love you more than you will probably ever know.

Love,
Mama

-Letters to Liv {8 Months}-

My little love,

I know I say this every month, but I can't believe you are already 8 months old! It's amazing to me how fast you grow! I've spent most of these 8 months letting your development and comparing you to other little babes consume me. I'm making a stand right now that the last four months of your first year of life, I am no longer doing that. You are your own little person and you will do things in your own time. I tell your daddy all the time that I wish we would've had you before I went to school, I know too much about development to just chill and watch you grow. From now on that's what I'm going to do though. You are healthy and happy (most of the time) and I'm going to just let you grow and stop worrying. Okay, now back to your 8 month stats.

Your little personality just keeps on coming out. You are going to be mischievous without a doubt. You purposefully try to push our buttons already. You are playing with crossing the "no-no" line on a lot of things now and you laugh when I say "you be sweet!" It's like you look at me and say to yourself "psych!, no way, Mom, I'm doing this!" We bought you a jumperoo for Easter and you love it now, but it took you a while to figure it out. You love jumping in it and you figured out that if you throw yourself backwards, it will throw you forwards and you think it's so fun and hilarious. Well, you have also begun throwing little fits and when you get mad you just throw yourself back like you're in your jumper. You are teething something awful right now and I think a lot of your little fits are because your mouth hurts so bad. You still don't have ANY teeth and you can't put enough things in your mouth. You have started refusing your pacifier when your mouth really hurts when you used to use it to gnaw on. The only thing that will calm you down during those times is nursing. You have progressed beautifully with feeding. You love mixed/chunkier foods now and you absolutely love feeding yourself. You have almost perfected your pincer grasp and you love to eat puffs, yogurt bites, and your teething wafers by yourself. You are almost over the puree stage. You would rather have something you can pick up and feed yourself. We are going to try black beans and egg yolk this week to get you some more protein in your diet.

Your favorite things right now are music, dancing, waving "hi", giving kisses, and trying to figure things out. Your little brain works 90 to nothing all day long, especially when we put something new in front of you. I brought your little drum set out the other night that Papa and Marquetta got you for Christmas and you were in love. We had our own little concert. You were following directions and watching me intently. You still hate being left alone and when anyone walks out of your sight. You will milk every minute of seeing family because they all hold you ALL the time. Then you hate it when it's just your daddy and I because you have to play in the floor and do things you don't want to do. You love to play with our cell phones and remotes but I try not to let you do that. You squeal all the time and use vowels to talk. Still no true babbling yet, but I know it will come.

You have been sleeping in our bed for the past month or so. You pretty much booted your daddy out of the bed and into the guest room. You have been waking up so much in the middle of the night that it was just easier to have you right beside me. We are planning to transition you to your crib when things settle down around here. You have also been loving to sleep with only your diaper on. You are so hot natured like your daddy that you love not wearing any clothes. Especially when you sleep. You are so in love with your Nova girl. You can pick her balls up now and you know that you're supposed to throw them to play fetch with her but you just can't figure out how to do it yet.

You still love bath time. You would stay in there all night if I would let you. Your skin is finally clearing up, but you still have a few itchy patches. Daddy says it's getting better because the weather is warmer and your skin has been able to breathe more. Plus the sun always helps. You currently hate your car seat. You still love to ride in the car, but hate your car seat now. You are getting closer to crawling every day. You still get up on your arms and get your booty up in the air and you can pull your legs underneath you one at a time, but haven't figured out how to get your belly off the ground. You moving all around and transitioning from sitting to floor back to sitting now. You are so curious and going to be into everything when you actually start moving around on your own. You LOVE to watch me do things. Mainly put my make up on and cook. You are so smart, you know that when I bring the food processor out that I am making your food. You go to kicking around and get all excited because you know it's for you. It wasn't until recently that I realized just how much you watch us and how it will continue to get worse the older you get. It makes me really think about the things I do because you are a little sponge and will eventually do what I do.

You have recently started loving play-a-sound books and when you push one you light up and smile at me. You love being tickled and will laugh so hard when we do it. You love it when we kiss your feet and play "This Little Piggy." You still love peek-a-boo and patty cake. You try to do them yourself now. You are just growing so much before our very eyes and we love you SO SO much! You bring so much joy and happiness into our lives and our home. You will always be our baby, forever!

Love,
Mama