It's no secret that I have struggled with joy and happiness throughout my life. It's hard to explain why exactly. I am richly blessed and more often than not my prayers have been answered. It took me a long time to realize that some of God's best blessings are those of unanswered prayers. Throughout high school, my main focus was on basketball. I wasn't the smartest nor did I really apply myself in academics, and I honestly didn't care to. I knew I would get a basketball scholarship some where or at least I hoped I would. I had my best friends by my side who we called ourselves then "The Fab Four". We were inseparable throughout high school and a couple of those friendships have stuck to this day. I had my fair share of boyfriends, there's no denying that. My parents had always taken us to church and my brother and I knew how we were supposed to live and how we were supposed to act as Christians. Shamefully, I didn't always do what I was supposed to. I have mounds of regret and fear that my decisions I made as a teenager and young adult will keep me from making it to heaven. I know that God forgives us for so many things and He loves us no matter what. It's my own self pity, embarrassment, and disgust that I feel that keeps me from forgiving myself. I struggle with so many demons on a daily basis. When I was younger I had seasons of my life where I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care what was right or wrong, I didn't care about the people I hurt along the way, and I tried to keep God out of my mind because I knew I was doing wrong. It's awful, I know.
When I received my basketball scholarship to Arkansas State I was SO happy that my lifelong dream had come true. I couldn't wait to start my career on the next level and I had so many big dreams for myself. Obviously I was in the clouds because college basketball was not anything like I had expected it to be. We played on Sundays and practiced late every day and I maybe got to go to church 2-3 times that entire year. My favorite movie is Love and Basketball. I watched that movie all the time during high school and I felt like it gave me a small snippet of what college ball might be like. Well, it had it pretty much perfect. When I stepped foot into the gym for the first time as a college player, I realized real quick that I was the low man on the totem pole. I was the smallest, the weakest, the slowest. I was way out of my league at the D1 level. Or at least it really felt like I was. My body went through major changes that year. I gained about 25 lbs. of solid muscle and looked like a body builder by Christmas. I felt like I wasn't in control of my body because it was so different. I didn't play much that year. I really didn't play at all unless we needed a quick 3. I knew my role as a college player and I tried to embrace it. I just wasn't what my coach expected me to be. It was one of the most difficult years of my life. I got a huge reality check. My family would travel the 3+ hours to our games and I wouldn't even get off the bench. It was so embarrassing and it killed me. I remember one night after a game, I couldn't take it anymore and I just didn't understand why I was being treated the way that I was. My dad and I are not emotional people and he had been one pushing me everyday in high school, making me better (I despised him for it at the time, but am so thankful for it now.) When I came out of the locker room and walked straight into his arms and just started crying. When that year ended I realized that maybe D1 just wasn't for me and I missed God. I missed going to church. Then God answered another prayer and gave me an opportunity to transfer with a full scholarship to Harding. A Church of Christ affiliated college. I knew that I had to take it. I needed a good Christian environment with Christian team mates.
When I got to Harding, the track part of basketball was still very tough for me. I hated it, I was terrible at it. I would literally have panic attacks before having to go out there. I just wasn't good at it because I was never taught how to do it before college. I started hand played a lot as a Lady Bison. I had a great relationship with my coaches and I was finally happy again playing the game I loved. Then, I met Bradley. Obviously, he's African American. Which was a huge change for me and completely out of the ordinary. I was so hesitant at first mainly because of my family and where I grew up. But the more and more we talked and got to know each other, I knew this man was good for me. He was what I needed in my life. The missing piece that I never felt had been filled. I was legitimately happy. Well, when my coaches found out about it I was called into the office for a "talk". I was told that I was not allowed to date him or have a boyfriend for that matter because I needed to be focused on ball. I wouldn't be as pretty, I wouldn't ever get another white boyfriend, and I would be looked at differently.After I didn't listen to them and stayed with him, they didn't like it. My playing time went down, they looked for any and every reason to yell at me, I was treated differently and I lost my starting spot. Not only was my coaches against my decision to date him, some of my family members were also. I heard very hurtful things being said about me and I was treated as if they didn't even know me. I was shunned at every public event we were both at and talked about horribly to other family members. I fell in love with him quickly, he's just that amazing and I wasn't going to leave him because of how they treated me over it. When basketball season was over, the track started back up. Our first day out on the track I passed out (again), only this time it was different. I was out for almost 10 minutes and was difficult to arouse. My team mates weren't allowed to stop running and check on me. They were told by our coaches that "I was fine, I was just faking it." That episode landed me in an ambulance and in the ER. The doctors weren't sure what had happened or what had caused the fainting.
That next day, my coaches gave me a week to go to whatever doctor needed to to figure out what was going on.Obviously it took a lot longer than that. It took until June before they figured it out. I had to go to an electrophysiologist in order to get it figured out. Basically, my blood pressure and heart rate would drop when I worked out hard. The opposite effect of what is supposed to happen. That being said, my doctor didn't feel comfortable releasing me to play ball anymore. When I told my coaches they were everything but remorseful. They had already given my scholarship away to another player before I ever found anything out. I was heart broke and so confused. The summer I found out that my basketball career was over I was not in a good place. I was depressed and felt like I had lost the only thing that made me feel worthy of myself. I spent that whole summer trying to come up with money so I could still attend Harding. Based on NCAA rules, my coaches were supposed to honor my scholarship. Of course they didn't do that. My life was so stressful during that time.
I remember getting back to school that August and not having a clue what to do with myself. I had all this free time on my hands that I had never had before.I didn't have to worry about getting in the gym, practice, or games. I was a regular college student. The only thing I had to do was go to class and study. So that's what I did. At that point I had already chosen my major and knew that I had to get a Master's degree. My first two years of college my grades were only mediocre. When basketball was taken away I used all my time that I previously used on basketball on my school work. I ended up making the Dean's list and having a 4.0 that year. Blessing in disguise? Maybe? I was proud of myself for my hard work in the classroom, but I still had a hard time on the nights that Bradley played, Midnight Madness, or anything else to do with basketball. I didn't know how to live without it. It was like my identity had been stolen away from me. I went through phases of deep depression throughout that year and if Bradley hadn't have been by my side I don't know where I would've ended up.
I made it through undergrad only to encounter yet another bump in the road. I didn't get into grad school my first time applying. Once again I felt like I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I knew I had to do something that year I had to sit out that made me marketable and made my resume look good. I ended up landing a job as a Behavior Tech and Easter Seals working with children with special needs and many of them had challenging behaviors. I learned so much that year, way more about being an actual therapist than I ever could have learned from a book. I applied again that following year only to be rejected again. At that point I had feelings of deep despair and worthlessness. Bradley and I had a really rocky year that year. He was still in school, playing ball, and at a totally different place in his life. I was out, had a job, and ready to get married. He wasn't. We had had rough patches here and there but nothing like this. This time it was actually over. I was reckless when I wasn't with him. Doing things and going places I normally would never do or go. I just didn't care.
Then out of no where someone text me to say they had left me a voicemail and had never heard back from me. Then that made me think hmm I haven't gotten any voicemails in quite a while. When I went to check it, I found out my voicemail notifications had been turned off on my phone and I had dozens of voicemails just sitting in my mailbox. I checked them one by one and when I got to in particular my heart leaped with joy. It was from Harding's CSD department. It was the Dean of the grad program calling me to apologize for a mix up in paperwork and I had actually been accepted into the program. I called him back to confirm and I immediately accepted the spot. I couldn't believe it. There God was again. He knew that I was not living my life on the right path and that I needed a nudge back in the right direction. Bradley and I ended up getting back together, I started in the grad program and we ended up getting engaged that December.
I have had so many good and bad things happen in my life, but God was ALWAYS there. During the good and the bad. I believe that he sent me through those phases of difficulty just so I could depend on Him the way that I should have been all along. He is so merciful and loving. I put basketball in front Him, I know I did and I firmly believe that it's the reason why I couldn't continue playing. I was straying from Him more and more and the devil was getting to me and He showed up again to save me. I was accepted into the grad program and married the most wonderful man that was created perfectly for me and now for our baby girl. He pushes me daily in ways that no one else ever could. He's my soul mate.
Now that I'm in this season of being a mama, I still have those doubts and fears. Fears that I'm failing her, fears that I'm failing him, fears that he might want someone who looks better, fears that I'm not a good mama or wife. It is so easy to choose fear, negativity, doubt, despair, depression. The devil lurks in all those things. I don't want the devil, I want God. I want joy and happiness not fear and doubt. That is why I have to physically make myself choose joy. To choose happiness.
-Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
-When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. Psalms 94:19
-That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:10
-Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. Psalm 98:4
-Easter 2016 {He is Risen}-
This past Sunday was Easter. Liv's first and it was SO fun. She can't walk yet, but she was sitting up and playing with eggs. We sat her on a blanket that felt fitting to the holiday. The blanket was from Modern Burlap and I absolutely love it. I had the hardest time choosing between this one that reads "I am a Child of God" or the one that reads Jeremiah 29:11. I will probably eventually buy the one that reads Jeremiah 29:11 but for now I got the other one. Easter is one of my favorite holidays and I've always loved dying and hunting/hiding Easter eggs. Since she couldn't hunt them this year, we just laid the blanket out in the backyard and let her play with the plastic eggs. I didn't go all out with her Easter basket this year because she really didn't know what was going on. I knew I for sure wanted to get her The Velveteen Rabbit (even though it's higher level) and The Tale of Peter Rabbit. I didn't have time to find Peter Rabbit, but my grandma found her one about Peter Rabbit that's super cute. I filled her basket with books about Easter, a stuffed bunny holding a basketball, and a toy phone (because she is obsessed with phones). She loved everything she got and was so intrigued because everything was new. I bought a cute cupcake kit that has Peter Rabbit and friends on it for next year when she can help me bake them. I can't wait to experience everything with her as she gets older. I also made my first purchase from Magnolia Market which of course was one of their tiered trays. I decorated it for Easter and I'm already in love with it. I hope everyone had an amazing Easter and remembered the importance of it. We all have so much to be thankful for.
-Letters to Liv {7 months}-
LJ,
I can't even process that you are 7 months old and growing so fast every day. You are becoming your own little person and your personality is really starting to shine through. You know exactly what you want and you know how to get it, too. You are so in love with Nova, your daddy, and I. You have a hard time transitioning into a new week from the long weekends you get to spend with me. This past week, Nana said you had a rough day on Monday. When you woke up that morning you were looking all around for me and your daddy. She said it was like you were legitimately sad because we weren't there. Which broke my heart and made me feel super guilty for being a working mama. It's just something I have to do for our family for right now.
You are still stressing me out because you are not babbling yet. You literally get therapy all day every day, but you are so stubborn. You know I want you to talk so bad you choose not to haha. You are so smart though. You attempt to imitate whatever I do except for talking. You have started to wave "hi" and "bye bye", you will "give sugars" when asked, and you know how to get fed by pulling at my shirt. You are learning what "be sweet/nice/easy" means every day. You want Nova to play with you so bad but you are still a little rough with her. You pull her hair and tail and she's kind of afraid of you right now. You love her so much though. When you hear her running through the house or make any kind of noise you get so excited. When she is any where near you, you started smiling and laughing and try to get to her. You are getting closer to cruising everyday. You can pull your little booty up in the air and maneuver your way to get something. You LOVE books! You love being read to and you enjoy getting to touch and pat the books. You are shaking/banging objects and still attempting to clap you r hands when we play Patty cake. You absolutely love playing peek-a-boo. You initiate it all the time by pulling your blanket up over your face and pulling it back down. You get the biggest grin when we say "there she is!"
You are finally healthy again and have been eating like a champ. Truth be told, I'm having a hard time keeping up with you (milk wise). You can now sit in your high chair and you think you are so big! We have tried avocado, carrots, cauliflower, mango, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, apples, bananas, and yogurt so far. We have also tried a variety of baby cereals on multiple occasions and you HATE it! (I'm secretly happy about that because I didn't want to give you any anyway). Your favorites are cauliflower, sweet potatoes, yogurt, and apples. You dislike avocado and you have to really be in the mood for bananas. You were loving them for a while but all of a sudden started not liking them. When we go to restaurants and you sit in the high chairs you are content as long as we give a piece of whatever we are eating. You weren't putting any of it in your mouth or trying to taste it, but you recently started doing that with a piece of bread stick and tater tot. So we had to stop doing that.
Daddy went to DC last week for Spring Break and you slept with me the whole time. You got used to me singing you to sleep every night while you were cuddled up so close to me. You instantly calm if I start singing. Your favorites right now are Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, Oh, How I Love Jesus, and Angel Band. I remember a sermon I heard when I was pregnant with you that talked about being a Christian mother and wife and what our role was in the home. I remember he said one of the best ways to raise your children loving the Lord and keeping Him present in your kids was singing church songs. When you cook, clean, etc. it is good to sing church songs. As a therapist, I know how quickly children learn from singing and it made total sense. Ever since you were born, I have always sang those songs to you and pray that one day you will start to sing along. I also pray that you will remember that I did that with you when you have your own babies one day.
You had your first Easter this past weekend and you loved it. We sat a blanket out in the yard with some eggs and you had so much fun. We are so thankful for you and so blessed to be able to call you ours. We love you so much, baby girl!
Love,
Mama
I can't even process that you are 7 months old and growing so fast every day. You are becoming your own little person and your personality is really starting to shine through. You know exactly what you want and you know how to get it, too. You are so in love with Nova, your daddy, and I. You have a hard time transitioning into a new week from the long weekends you get to spend with me. This past week, Nana said you had a rough day on Monday. When you woke up that morning you were looking all around for me and your daddy. She said it was like you were legitimately sad because we weren't there. Which broke my heart and made me feel super guilty for being a working mama. It's just something I have to do for our family for right now.
You are still stressing me out because you are not babbling yet. You literally get therapy all day every day, but you are so stubborn. You know I want you to talk so bad you choose not to haha. You are so smart though. You attempt to imitate whatever I do except for talking. You have started to wave "hi" and "bye bye", you will "give sugars" when asked, and you know how to get fed by pulling at my shirt. You are learning what "be sweet/nice/easy" means every day. You want Nova to play with you so bad but you are still a little rough with her. You pull her hair and tail and she's kind of afraid of you right now. You love her so much though. When you hear her running through the house or make any kind of noise you get so excited. When she is any where near you, you started smiling and laughing and try to get to her. You are getting closer to cruising everyday. You can pull your little booty up in the air and maneuver your way to get something. You LOVE books! You love being read to and you enjoy getting to touch and pat the books. You are shaking/banging objects and still attempting to clap you r hands when we play Patty cake. You absolutely love playing peek-a-boo. You initiate it all the time by pulling your blanket up over your face and pulling it back down. You get the biggest grin when we say "there she is!"
You are finally healthy again and have been eating like a champ. Truth be told, I'm having a hard time keeping up with you (milk wise). You can now sit in your high chair and you think you are so big! We have tried avocado, carrots, cauliflower, mango, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, apples, bananas, and yogurt so far. We have also tried a variety of baby cereals on multiple occasions and you HATE it! (I'm secretly happy about that because I didn't want to give you any anyway). Your favorites are cauliflower, sweet potatoes, yogurt, and apples. You dislike avocado and you have to really be in the mood for bananas. You were loving them for a while but all of a sudden started not liking them. When we go to restaurants and you sit in the high chairs you are content as long as we give a piece of whatever we are eating. You weren't putting any of it in your mouth or trying to taste it, but you recently started doing that with a piece of bread stick and tater tot. So we had to stop doing that.
Daddy went to DC last week for Spring Break and you slept with me the whole time. You got used to me singing you to sleep every night while you were cuddled up so close to me. You instantly calm if I start singing. Your favorites right now are Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, Oh, How I Love Jesus, and Angel Band. I remember a sermon I heard when I was pregnant with you that talked about being a Christian mother and wife and what our role was in the home. I remember he said one of the best ways to raise your children loving the Lord and keeping Him present in your kids was singing church songs. When you cook, clean, etc. it is good to sing church songs. As a therapist, I know how quickly children learn from singing and it made total sense. Ever since you were born, I have always sang those songs to you and pray that one day you will start to sing along. I also pray that you will remember that I did that with you when you have your own babies one day.
You had your first Easter this past weekend and you loved it. We sat a blanket out in the yard with some eggs and you had so much fun. We are so thankful for you and so blessed to be able to call you ours. We love you so much, baby girl!
Love,
Mama
-Letters to Liv {6 Months}-
Livy Jade,
It seems so surreal that you are half a year old. Time flies by so so quickly and I don't want to waste one minute of it. It's so easy for you and I to get caught up in staying in our comfy little home on my days off. We will just sit here and read, sing, play and love one another so much. I'm such a germophobe and I try everything in my power to keep you well and healthy. As your Daddy had to remind me the other night in the emergency room that I can't control everything and keep you from everything. As much as I always want to be there to protect you and keep you safe, I know that I won't be able to. As you grow you will hate that I'm that way with you. I'm a protector, I always have been. One reason I chose to breastfeed is because it often gives babies that ability to fight off illnesses a lot easier with a strong immune system. You got your first ear infection about 3 weeks ago and I was so upset. You were SO sick and I felt so guilty even though I know that I had done everything I could to keep you well. You finished your antibiotics and seemed a lot better. Then out of no where Tuesday night you woke up in the middle of the night burning up with 104.4 fever. It scared me to death and we rushed you to the ER. You were being yourself though and was in the best little mood. You never even let on like you didn't feel well. They said that you had another bad ear infection and they gave you a stronger round of antibiotics. The days after that you were so clingy and didn't want anyone but me. All you wanted to do was lay on my chest and let me cuddle you. I absolutely hate it when you're sick. I feel so helpless. You have been so fussy this go around and I'm praying that you can kick it soon.
You have become quite the little diva. You get so upset when anyone walks out of your sight and when you don't get your way with things. You get so mad at your toys if you can't reach them or maneuver them the way you want. You have finally started sitting independently for almost 1-2 minutes without losing your balance. You are getting better everyday. You are switching toys from one hand to the other and you really enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror. You watch our mouths so closely and try to imitate our facial expressions and movements but haven't mastered that just yet. You still think peek-a-boo is the most hilarious thing ever. You are starting to look for toys that have dropped out of sight and you are beginning to understand object permanence. You love your giraffe rattle, your oball rattle, Mr. Teddy, and your teething keys the best right now. You have also started shaking objects in the past couple of days. So far you have produced consonants /m/ and /d/ during play and you have gotten those vowel sounds down, girl. When you are intrigued by something and really focused you purse your lips, almost like a little fish. It's the cutest thing. You are wearing size 3 diapers and 12 month clothes.
We started baby food two weeks ago. I tried to wait until you were exactly 6 months old but you were ready for it. You showed all of the signs that you could handle it and handle it you did, baby girl. I make your own food and it's so fun so far. I started you out on sweet potatoes and you LOVED them. We tried a banana one night and you weren't crazy about it. You HATE any kind of baby cereal. You prefer food over it for sure. Which makes me happy because I really didn't want to add it in your diet anyway as I've read so many controversial things about it. You also liked peas really well. You've tried applesauce a couple of times and you seem to tolerate it but it isn't your favorite. You are definitely preferring vegetables over fruits at this point. Butternut squash and carrots are on this weeks menu.
You are at such a fun stage right now, but we are so excited to watch you continue to grow. The weather has been awesome lately and I'm hoping Spring is right around the corner. I can't wait for warm weather full of long walks and family picnics. We love you so much!
Love,
Mama
It seems so surreal that you are half a year old. Time flies by so so quickly and I don't want to waste one minute of it. It's so easy for you and I to get caught up in staying in our comfy little home on my days off. We will just sit here and read, sing, play and love one another so much. I'm such a germophobe and I try everything in my power to keep you well and healthy. As your Daddy had to remind me the other night in the emergency room that I can't control everything and keep you from everything. As much as I always want to be there to protect you and keep you safe, I know that I won't be able to. As you grow you will hate that I'm that way with you. I'm a protector, I always have been. One reason I chose to breastfeed is because it often gives babies that ability to fight off illnesses a lot easier with a strong immune system. You got your first ear infection about 3 weeks ago and I was so upset. You were SO sick and I felt so guilty even though I know that I had done everything I could to keep you well. You finished your antibiotics and seemed a lot better. Then out of no where Tuesday night you woke up in the middle of the night burning up with 104.4 fever. It scared me to death and we rushed you to the ER. You were being yourself though and was in the best little mood. You never even let on like you didn't feel well. They said that you had another bad ear infection and they gave you a stronger round of antibiotics. The days after that you were so clingy and didn't want anyone but me. All you wanted to do was lay on my chest and let me cuddle you. I absolutely hate it when you're sick. I feel so helpless. You have been so fussy this go around and I'm praying that you can kick it soon.
You have become quite the little diva. You get so upset when anyone walks out of your sight and when you don't get your way with things. You get so mad at your toys if you can't reach them or maneuver them the way you want. You have finally started sitting independently for almost 1-2 minutes without losing your balance. You are getting better everyday. You are switching toys from one hand to the other and you really enjoy looking at yourself in the mirror. You watch our mouths so closely and try to imitate our facial expressions and movements but haven't mastered that just yet. You still think peek-a-boo is the most hilarious thing ever. You are starting to look for toys that have dropped out of sight and you are beginning to understand object permanence. You love your giraffe rattle, your oball rattle, Mr. Teddy, and your teething keys the best right now. You have also started shaking objects in the past couple of days. So far you have produced consonants /m/ and /d/ during play and you have gotten those vowel sounds down, girl. When you are intrigued by something and really focused you purse your lips, almost like a little fish. It's the cutest thing. You are wearing size 3 diapers and 12 month clothes.
We started baby food two weeks ago. I tried to wait until you were exactly 6 months old but you were ready for it. You showed all of the signs that you could handle it and handle it you did, baby girl. I make your own food and it's so fun so far. I started you out on sweet potatoes and you LOVED them. We tried a banana one night and you weren't crazy about it. You HATE any kind of baby cereal. You prefer food over it for sure. Which makes me happy because I really didn't want to add it in your diet anyway as I've read so many controversial things about it. You also liked peas really well. You've tried applesauce a couple of times and you seem to tolerate it but it isn't your favorite. You are definitely preferring vegetables over fruits at this point. Butternut squash and carrots are on this weeks menu.
You are at such a fun stage right now, but we are so excited to watch you continue to grow. The weather has been awesome lately and I'm hoping Spring is right around the corner. I can't wait for warm weather full of long walks and family picnics. We love you so much!
Love,
Mama
-TORN-
In the words of Natalie Imbruglia "Illusion never changed, into something real, I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn." I'm terrified that that's where I'm at in my life. It's like I sit at home on my days off work and my mind constantly spins with wishful thinking. I've never EVER been the type that wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I just never was. I was career minded, but I definitely wanted kids. I wanted to make something of myself, be someone in my field. I had so many goals for myself career wise. When I got to college I had my mind set on being an Athletic Trainer or Physical Therapist. I was an athlete. I loved sports so obviously that would be the path that I chose for a career. I never wanted to be a coach though. My Dad still thinks it's so weird that I didn't go in to coaching. I just never wanted to and I knew that for sure. I'm a Speech-Language Pathologist. A little background on that; when I was a freshman at ASU, I took an Intro to Communication Disorders class. I was friends with one of the volleyball players and her dad was the Dean of the department and he had recommended it to me. He said just try it out and see how you like it because I just wasn't feeling the athletic training route at that point. The class was so interesting and I had no idea what an SLP was, I had never even heard of it. One of the requirements for that class was to get 15 observation hours in the clinic watching graduate student clinicians in their therapy sessions. I'll never forget the day and the two sessions that spoke to me and I knew immediately that it was my calling. One of them was a teenage boy with Down's syndrome and the other was a stroke patient. I loved both so much and knew that those were populations I wanted to work with. To this day I still feel that strong passion to work with children with disabilities and geriatrics. God works in mysterious ways because I didn't end up choosing anything athletic. When I transferred to Harding, I had an assignment in my Multicultural class around Christmas time that I had to get a person of another race to read T'was the Night Before Christmas and I had to transcribe it the way they read it. At that point Bradley and I sort of knew each other and had talked a couple of times and my teammates were busy that night so I had to call him up to get my assignment finished. Needless to say that was the beginning of something beautiful. Okay, back to the moral of this story.
When I was growing up my Mom couldn't stay at home with my brother and I. I guess that may be why I just never had that vision. When I got pregnant, I knew everything would be alright and I could be a working Mom because I was fortunate enough to work for a company that allowed employee's kids to attend the daycare across the street. I thought I had it all planned out. The closer my due date got the higher my anxiety got about having to put her in a daycare. Fortunately, my Mom no longer works and was able to keep her for us and I was able to take my work package down to 75% and work 3 days. It has been a life saver. Especially for my sanity. I don't have to worry about her while I'm working and I feel like I have the perfect balance of work and Mommy time. That sort of sounds selfish though because it's a Mom's job to be there 100% and that's how I've been feeling. Selfish, because I don't have a stay at home Mommy heart. I've gone back and forth with staying home and we thought that it might actually be an option for me to. But when you have thousands of dollars of loans to pay back for that good education you got, it leaves you in a bind. Now that I know that it isn't an option for me, I'm more sad than ever. I had gotten my mind right and was totally all in to the fact that I would get to be with my baby girl all day everyday. I would get to see all the new little things she would do and I wouldn't have to miss anything. Bradley keeps telling me that that's life and so many people have to put their kids in daycare. I know that but I work in child care. I know that people can't always be trusted and that's the thing, I don't trust anyone with my child. I'm so scared that the plan is when she turns 1 we'll look into her going to daycare. From a therapist perspective, I know that the older she gets the more she needs to be around other children for the social aspect. She's already so interested in other kids when she sees them. She gets so excited and is always reaching for them. She will be 6 months old on Saturday and will be old enough to go to Cradle Roll at church if we're comfortable with it. I think that will help me get ready for it slowly. Hopefully something will work out to where I will be able to work and she can attend the daycare where I work. That would be the best scenario and we all know that we don't always get what we want. So for now I'm praying my heart out that something will come up and that I will be as prepared as I can be to make this transition. Please pray with me and for us. I know it will be a shock to her system as well when she actually starts some where. I'm still going to continue to pray that something might happen to where I will be able to stay home, even though it's a long shot.
When I was growing up my Mom couldn't stay at home with my brother and I. I guess that may be why I just never had that vision. When I got pregnant, I knew everything would be alright and I could be a working Mom because I was fortunate enough to work for a company that allowed employee's kids to attend the daycare across the street. I thought I had it all planned out. The closer my due date got the higher my anxiety got about having to put her in a daycare. Fortunately, my Mom no longer works and was able to keep her for us and I was able to take my work package down to 75% and work 3 days. It has been a life saver. Especially for my sanity. I don't have to worry about her while I'm working and I feel like I have the perfect balance of work and Mommy time. That sort of sounds selfish though because it's a Mom's job to be there 100% and that's how I've been feeling. Selfish, because I don't have a stay at home Mommy heart. I've gone back and forth with staying home and we thought that it might actually be an option for me to. But when you have thousands of dollars of loans to pay back for that good education you got, it leaves you in a bind. Now that I know that it isn't an option for me, I'm more sad than ever. I had gotten my mind right and was totally all in to the fact that I would get to be with my baby girl all day everyday. I would get to see all the new little things she would do and I wouldn't have to miss anything. Bradley keeps telling me that that's life and so many people have to put their kids in daycare. I know that but I work in child care. I know that people can't always be trusted and that's the thing, I don't trust anyone with my child. I'm so scared that the plan is when she turns 1 we'll look into her going to daycare. From a therapist perspective, I know that the older she gets the more she needs to be around other children for the social aspect. She's already so interested in other kids when she sees them. She gets so excited and is always reaching for them. She will be 6 months old on Saturday and will be old enough to go to Cradle Roll at church if we're comfortable with it. I think that will help me get ready for it slowly. Hopefully something will work out to where I will be able to work and she can attend the daycare where I work. That would be the best scenario and we all know that we don't always get what we want. So for now I'm praying my heart out that something will come up and that I will be as prepared as I can be to make this transition. Please pray with me and for us. I know it will be a shock to her system as well when she actually starts some where. I'm still going to continue to pray that something might happen to where I will be able to stay home, even though it's a long shot.
-My Body is A Temple-
"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you" -Song of Solomon 4:7
So you know that post I did a few months ago about my postpartum body? Yeah, things still haven't really changed for me. I still have negative thoughts and can really beat myself up when it comes to thinking about it. It seems to get worse during the night when Liv is fighting sleep and I get frustrated. Yes, I know I'm probably considered a bad Mom because I let frustration get to me sometimes and she's only 5 months old. It's actually been really bad lately and probably because I've been extra exhausted due to her being sick. I bought 21 Day Fix with some Christmas money and I had been so excited to try it. I just knew that I would drop the inches and the flab super fast while doing it because that's how my body usually reacts to workouts. I tried doing the meal plan at the highest calorie chart, but my milk supply decreased a lot with that. I wasn't getting enough calories and I was not about to sacrifice my milk for my precious babe for my body image. I was noticing a difference in my muscle tone and my stomach seemed a little smaller. I was so excited and couldn't wait until I finished the 21 days to measure myself again. Well, day 21 came and I had only lost a total of 1/2 inch. Are you kidding me? I've been working my butt off and I only lose 1/2 inch. I was so discouraged even though I knew I was looking a little different, I still have major flab and loose skin. Granted it usually takes multiple rounds of the program to see major results but I was already vulnerable when it came to my body. I got depressed again and that's when the negative thoughts started creeping back up. I just don't understand. I don't understand how so many women get a better body after baby, how they lose the flab so fast, how they don't get stretch marks. I just don't understand why some do and some don't. I've been skinny my whole life and I never worried about getting my body back after babies because I thought I was naturally blessed. WRONG! I pray about it, I try to ward off those thoughts that the devil creates in my head. It's hard.
I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day and saw this quote:
It caught my attention so I clicked on the link. It was exactly what I needed at that point. I needed some reassurance in my body. I needed to hear that God still loved it and loved me. He created me to be a woman and to bear children. He gave me that blessing. He gave me the ability to carry a healthy child without complications. I should be so thankful for that and I am. It's the after math that I've had such a problem with. I do not regret getting pregnant or having a baby. I love my beautiful girl so much and I would never trade her for a perfect body. That's just the thing, in God's eyes my body is perfect. He doesn't care about the flab or the stretch marks. He created it, He created me, He created Liv. After I read this post, I found a hashtag on Instagram a few nights later called #latenightnursingfeed that was created for nursing Mama's struggling with their body images after baby. You were to comment with one thing you disliked about your postpartum body and 2 things you loved about it. To my surprise I was not alone with my thoughts and feelings. Every Mama on there had the same exact feelings and thoughts that I have. I just knew other Mama's loved their bodies and was having an easier time getting their bodies back. That wasn't the case. They all had different things about their own bodies that they hated and that they loved. That made me think about the things that I actually loved about my body. To be honest, it was really hard to come up with two things. Even one thing, but I knew that I had to stop being so negative and mean to myself. So I chose my two things 1) My body has always produced a good milk supply to feed Liv without supplementing and she is thriving 2) my curves. Bradley loves my postpartum body. He hated me being so skinny before and he loves it even more now. Those two things have really helped me lately. I'm trying my best to keep positive thoughts and to get rid of the negative ones. I'm also trying to improve my prayer life and to give it all to God. My body was bought at an expensive price. God does not want us to be sad or have troublesome hearts. I need to get rid of the negativity and choose to be joyful. I want Liv to see me happy, to see me patient, to see me love myself, and to see her Daddy and I love one another. Even though she doesn't understand right now, she can sense when I'm happy and when I'm not. I'm going to choose joy, positivity, and always keep the vision of Jesus paying the price for me in my heart and mind when those thoughts creep up.
1 Cor. 6:19-20: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
So you know that post I did a few months ago about my postpartum body? Yeah, things still haven't really changed for me. I still have negative thoughts and can really beat myself up when it comes to thinking about it. It seems to get worse during the night when Liv is fighting sleep and I get frustrated. Yes, I know I'm probably considered a bad Mom because I let frustration get to me sometimes and she's only 5 months old. It's actually been really bad lately and probably because I've been extra exhausted due to her being sick. I bought 21 Day Fix with some Christmas money and I had been so excited to try it. I just knew that I would drop the inches and the flab super fast while doing it because that's how my body usually reacts to workouts. I tried doing the meal plan at the highest calorie chart, but my milk supply decreased a lot with that. I wasn't getting enough calories and I was not about to sacrifice my milk for my precious babe for my body image. I was noticing a difference in my muscle tone and my stomach seemed a little smaller. I was so excited and couldn't wait until I finished the 21 days to measure myself again. Well, day 21 came and I had only lost a total of 1/2 inch. Are you kidding me? I've been working my butt off and I only lose 1/2 inch. I was so discouraged even though I knew I was looking a little different, I still have major flab and loose skin. Granted it usually takes multiple rounds of the program to see major results but I was already vulnerable when it came to my body. I got depressed again and that's when the negative thoughts started creeping back up. I just don't understand. I don't understand how so many women get a better body after baby, how they lose the flab so fast, how they don't get stretch marks. I just don't understand why some do and some don't. I've been skinny my whole life and I never worried about getting my body back after babies because I thought I was naturally blessed. WRONG! I pray about it, I try to ward off those thoughts that the devil creates in my head. It's hard.
I was scrolling through Pinterest the other day and saw this quote:
1 Cor. 6:19-20: "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."
-A Week for the Books-
This has been the most exhausting week we have had since bringing Liv home from the hospital. Baby girl came down with cold like symptoms last Thursday. Typical stuffy nose and a little cough. She's 5 months old so she's at the age where her structures in her throat are beginning to grow longer to accommodate for more advanced eating purposes. Her larynx is becoming more adult like so occasional coughing and grunting is typical as she gets used to her new abilities. However; as the days went on she developed a wet, raspy cough and a rattle in her chest by Saturday morning. She was still eating well and didn't really act like she didn't feel well. I had already decided to take her to the doctor on Monday because 1) She has never had anything like this 2) It's RSV and flu season. She never ran a fever higher than 99.4 though which was strange. Come Monday morning she was SO sick. Her eyes were swollen and watery, her nose was pouring, her cough sounded terrible, she was choking every time she would eat anything and she had lost her appetite, and she had this weird rash all over her little body. We immediately went to the doctor and I was terrified. The minute we got back to the room I started bawling and I just couldn't handle it. I am not a crier and it takes a lot for me to cry, but that seriously broke my heart. I couldn't handle seeing her like that and so miserable. I give major props to all the Mama's who have sick babies all time with life threatening diseases. I have so much respect for you and your strength. The doctor came in and confirmed that she had an ear infection in her right ear and RSV symptoms. Apparently they don't test for RSV anymore because they can't treat the RSV itself. It's a virus so it has to run its course but they treat the symptoms of it. Her lungs sounded clear and she didn't have labored breathing so they didn't send us to the hospital. She prescribed Amoxicillin and told us to replace milk with Pedialyte because she was so congested and it was thinner than milk. Monday through Wednesday were extremely exhausting. I'm so thankful was Mom was down here to help me. It literally took both of us tag teaming because she was so sick. I didn't sleep but maybe 3-4 hours in 3 days. I was terrified at night that she would stop breathing or get choked and I would be asleep. So I just stayed up and watched her little chest move up and down. That motherly instinct is so no joke. You have thoughts and feelings emerge that you never even knew existed, but I love it. We are now 8 days into this nasty thing and she has finally started to heal and there's a huge difference in her now than on Monday. She still has the nasty cough and occasional choking and runny nose. Hopefully we are on the mend and she will be back to normal soon.
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